Jokes for FREE...............

The Chicken is G - ood....

A guy was at a restaurant and couldn't figure out what to get, so he asked the waiter whom he knew, "What do you recommend, Henri?"

"Well, today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almondine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert."

"That sounds great. How is the chicken prepared?"

"We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal!"

"Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!"

"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep. No miracle was involved."

"Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow, man! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians and horses and chariots in only 1 foot of water!"

A man was watering his lawn one day when he looked up and there coming up the street were two hearse's followed by a man, his dog and a long file line of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on.

The guy said, "that's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died". The guy watering the lawn said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?".

The other guy said "well that's my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died."

Quick as a flash the gardener says, "can I borrow your dog?".

The guy with the dog responds, "Yep, just get on the end of the line!".

1) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

2) Everyone has a photographic memory, but some folk just don't have any film.

3) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

4) A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing right.

5) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

6) Being rich doesn't mean so much . . . just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never got to own a Cadillac!

7) Just remember this - if the world didn't suck we would all fall off.

A woman walked up to a little wrinkled up man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look", she said. "What's your secret for a happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat lots of fatty foods, and never ever take any exercise."

"That's amazing, "the woman said. "Exactly how old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

For a couple of months I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too Much partying. But I'm tired because..............

The population of this country is 4 million, but 1.5 million are retired.

That leaves 2.5 million to do the work.

There are 1 million in school; which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 0.5 million unemployed, leaving 1 million to do the work.

Take from that 580,000 people who work for government departments and that leaves 420,000 people to do the work.

120,000 are in the armed forces, which leaves 300,000 to do the work.

At any time, there are 29,000 people in hospitals, leaving 271,000 people to do the work.

On average there is 100,000 people overseas. That leaves 171,000 people here doing the work.

At the moment, there are 170,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting there reading computer jokes.

1) When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one to ever ask that after a tonsillectomy."

2) A Guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5," weighs 250 lb., and she's a professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

Bats : Three Pastors were having lunching together -

One of them said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off."

Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"

The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and they haven't been seen since!"

1) 486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

2) State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

3) Obsolete: Any computer you already own.

4) Microsecond: The time it takes your new state-of-the-art computer to become

obsolete.

Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

- 7 have been arrested for fraud

- 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

-117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

- 3 have been arrested for assault

- 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

- 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

- 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

- 21 are current defendants in lawsuits

- In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us from doing any or all of the above things!!.

Think about this: "If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, then it will require more of your time and effort to mow it!"

And anyway: "By the time you do find those greener pastures, you're too flamin' old to climb over the fence".

Are God's reward for not killing your children.

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted with this triumphant announcement: "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving, and she turned into a telephone pole!"

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That stupid dog can't swim, can he?"

How To Lose Weight Without Exercising ......

A guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75

Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100

Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150

Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50

Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100

Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250

Making mountains out of molehills . . . 500

Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50

Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300

Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75

Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200

Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25

Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350

This is a story about four people, named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn"; A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!.

Q: What's Black and Brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman.

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

Losing weight – Smoking is a great way to lose weight. Yeah – one lung at a time!

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.

Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 KPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 KPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said "Don't know, we haven't been able to catch one yet!!!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while in the real world some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"How come we get to choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

"A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

"I, personally, have got 20/20 hindsight!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship exploded and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, of course, the parrot. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. What did you do with the boat ?"

Bill Clinton visited a school last week.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "Tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a "Tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an "Accident".
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved...that would be a "Tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a "Great Loss."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteered. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a "Tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says, "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, would that be a "Tragedy?"
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a "Tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "Because it wouldn't be an "Accident," "And it certainly would be no "Great Loss!"

Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

A Jew and a Christian were arguing about the ways of their religion.

The Jewish man said, "You people have been taking things from us for thousands of years. The Ten Commandments, for instance."

The Christian replied, "Well, it's true that we took the Ten Commandments from you, but you can't actually say that we've kept them!"

Top 45 Oxymorons ......

45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food

39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt Head

26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Childproof

21. "Now, then ..."

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate

1. Microsoft Works

A traveler named John pulled into a little town for the night to find every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager was impressed. " No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" he asked.

" Nope, " John replied, " I shut him up in no time."

"How did you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said 'Goodnight Beautiful.'

With that, he sat up all night watching me."

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a Goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again. Finally, she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, Sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she said. Then, "Granddaddy, did God make me, too?"

"Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while ago."

"Oh," she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now, isn't He?"

1.Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

2.Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

3.Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

4.Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

5.Lymph - v To walk with a lisp.

6.Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

7.Bustard - n., a very rude bus driver.

8.Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.

9.Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10.Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.

11.Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

12.Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.

13.Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing

.A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?

And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

.A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School.

She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.

This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one.

When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."

1.Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

2.Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

3.The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

4.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

5.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

6.Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

7.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

8.The Dopeler Effect. The tendency of bad ideas to seem good if they come at you fast enough…

"If your computer died, would it help to give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation?"

People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.

1.Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

2.There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

3.Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

4.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

5.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

6.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

7.Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

8.Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

9.I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

10.Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

1.Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.

2.My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

3.Do it anyway, it is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

4.For every action, there is an equal and opposite government restriction.

5.Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

6.If you look like your passport picture, you really need the trip.

7.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

8.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

9.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

10.Opportunities always look bigger coming than going.

11.Experience is the knowledge you acquired immediately after you needed it.

1.Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

2.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

3.A closed mouth gathers no foot.

4.I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

5.Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

6.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and they have bare feet.

7.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

8.The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

9.Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

10.A dropped wrench will always end up exactly 1/2 inch beyond your reach.

---------------------------------------------------

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

1.A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

2.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

3.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

1."To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."

2.Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."

3.A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous."

4.Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."

5."Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."

6."Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

7."Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked."

8."Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."